5 years from now, you could come knocking at my door at 5 am and I would open my arms as wide as I could and ask why you didn’t come sooner. But I would always let you in.
I really miss you. It really, really hurts.
there will be days where I will miss him
like a wildfire misses the spark that started it.
and there will be days where I will hate him
for finally making me dig up my heart,
that he buried in my backyard a year ago.
and there will be days where I will look at his pictures
and know with no doubts, no uncertainty, that he is the one
who makes flowers grow from in between my ribs.
but in each day, in every day,
it will always be because he lifted me off of my feet,
when I was lying cold and broken in a heap of lost dreams
and forgotten memories.
it will always be that he and the sun were related,
lighting and warming everything they came in contact with.
there will be days where he will be everything,
and days where he will be more than that.
it will hurt,
and there may be days where it will break me,
like a bomb inside my stomach,
causing everything within me to explode.
there will be days where I will want to run,
where I will want to build up every wall,
but there will never be a day
where I don’t want him in my life.
January 3, 2014
I want to set things straight - - - for the record:
I am not in love with you. I know it may come as a surprise, but there is no “in” between whatever you and me are… although I sorely wish there was (which should NOT come as a surprise to you). And I’m not here to tell you my opinion about your flaws or try to steer you in a different direction you’re already heading towards…
Instead, or however, I will explain the affinity I have towards you and why I have loved you even after all of the bitter times you have ignore me as if I was a New York City stranger amongst an early morning bustle. And that distance right there… the distance between you and me in those instances… that’s the farthest distance to exist.
I think I know where to start because it’s on my mind more than it should be. I think about that last time I saw you…all the time.
It’s very appropriate to quote F. Scott Fitzgerald because I quite clearly remember laying with my back to your chest as we watched The Great Gatsby. Do you find it as ironic as I do that for the length of our entire 8 month stint we planned to watch that movie together - and as soon as we did, everything ended?
You left that night saying that being with me made you so sure of everything.
I play with your words in my head, like a kitten paws with yarn.
“We can get through anything.” And you left me with a kiss.
I never thought it would be our last kiss. I thought when you said forever, you meant forever like I did.
I also find it ironic that the novel itself was about a forbidden love. Jay Gatsby is shot awaiting for a lovers’ absent phone call. But wouldn’t he have been dead either way? The only thing keeping him living was hope. The hope for love.
“I walked away hoping I had the strength to never look back, but every step I took, it was another step away from my heart.”
Let me tell you, I was hoping you would be my New Years Kiss. But instead, I slept alone and cried because I miss everything we were. I miss us. I miss you. I miss you protecting me and I miss talking to you. You’re my best friend, and I can’t believe you don’t even think about me.
I must be a really shitty person to be forgotten that easily.
I never want you to think that I think of you the way you think of me………
I love you, Ben. I will love you even when you don’t love me back.
And I would rather be alone because no one can replace you or my love for you.
So that’s what I will be… alone.
I miss you, terribly.
April 29, 2013
Thank you for saying yes to prom with me. I am the luckiest girl in the whole entire world. You make me so happy that tonight, I cried. I just love you, Ben. I am scared that you might not feel the same way I do.
God, you’re so beautiful and perfect to me. I don’t think anyone can love another person as much as I love you.
Please don’t go anywhere.
October 27, 2013
I think I broke your heart. I think I turned you around with a knife in your back, though that was not my intention. My biggest fear is that you will be the pile of un-mailed letters sitting in my drawer, while Matt doesn’t even have the privilege to cross my mind more than seconds in an entire year. I am afraid that I have waded through the water at your worst, but you will not do the same with me. My hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone. Benny,
I am going to hurt you.
You are going to hurt me.
But we will do it with practiced fingers and passionate mouths and I swear to god,
it will be worth something.
September 10, 2013
I don’t know if I can say you left,
Because I think the painful truth is that
you were never here.
December 1, 2013
It KILLS me when you “like” other girls’ pictures. Kills me. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.
But maybe I am selfish. And maybe you like other girls now.
I would rather die than have you like another girl, to be honest.
The thought of your hands touching another girl feels like i poured acid on my skin.
I think you are the only man I will truly love with 100% of me.
And now, every atom of me misses you.
I want you to fight me and show up unannounced and kiss me as hard as you can. I want to know that whatever “it” is, it’s not over.
Damn, I miss you.
And I think I need you.
June 29, 2013
After today, I know we can get through anything. You and me will never be finished business. I am in love with you, and I know that when we are together…. everything is right. And that means the world to me. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
October 13, 2013
I think that without you,
Those bitter winter nights would live in my bones.
December 3, 2013
I am angry and half in love with you. Sometimes I wish I knew how to quit you, and other times I feel like I need your lungs to breathe.
Please love me. I need you.
September 1, 2013
You know how I know I’m in love with you?
I see you everywhere I go, even though you are not here,
And I find my thoughts inside of your own.
That’s infinite. It will never go away for as long as I live.
December 23, 2013
Maybe we didn’t work because I was not honest with myself. For you to love me, I cannot omit pieces of myself just to make you happy. Or comfortable. Or content.
We like different things, as well as similar things… and that is so beautiful in my eyes. I am hurt you see things differently.
Or maybe I am hurt that I was there for you when you needed me most. And now you are nowhere to be found.
No messages. No letters. No phone calls. Nothing.
Sometimes I forget that I even exist to you. But OF COURSE I exist to you… you told me that no matter what, I would always be your best friend.
Where are you, Ben? Where did you go. I thought you had my back but I am beginning to think you were dragging me along the whole time.
Maybe our silence is accurate. Maybe it was nothing, but it felt like the world.
Your absence stings like shards of glass stuck in my feet. I’m tired of reaching into myself and pulling out the pieces you gave up on.
I am vulnerable and not nearly as smart as I thought I was.
And yet I still love you as if nothing had happened.
I miss you.
August 30, 2013
I want to run to you. I want to be with you and be in your arms where I know I will be safe. I want to cry and laugh and I want you to tell me everything is okay.
I want you to be my man and hold me like a baby for a night.
I want to cry in your arms and fall asleep as vulnerable as I already am.
I am in love with you. I love you. I could scream it to the world.
You have my heart, Benny. I would be with you forever if you would be with me too.
I love you. I am so glad you are mine. Please don’t go anywhere. I am here to stay.
June 6, 2013
The best advice I was ever given was to stay close to anything that makes you feel alive.
"I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I’ll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I’d do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.”
— Cynthia Hand, Boundless
July 5, 2013
Thank you for the most magical 4th of July. I love you, and I never want to leave your side. You make me whole and happy, and I think my heart beats for you. Benny, I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want to ever think about us ending.
I want to be with you, through whatever life will throw at us. I will not leave your side, even if you leave mine.
God, I am so in love with you.
I have never felt this way about anyone before.
You have my heart.